Reflection - 6 months home

What is your form of unraveling? Mine is stress and tension. I am sharp with my tongue and I can give quite a look if I am pushed enough. That was May. May I was just holding it together. I was living minute by minute which is why I am not beating myself up on days or even a week when I sort of stop. I say "sort of" because I never stop. Having months and months of high intense stress means it takes weeks and months to decompress. I am learning this about myself.

I am proud of how we handled bringing Grant home. I will forever be proud of how well Grant did transitioning back to the house. For a little boy who never has been able to ask me "why?"...he did great.

I have a sense the big question people want to know is "what is different since he went out East?" - The answer could be simple. I'll start there.

In some ways, not much. In other ways, the changes are significant. My best days are still someone else's worst. If you spent a weekend with us, you would be silently wondering how we have done this for a decade. And whether I really like to admit it or not, thank goodness for that long break in which he was gone. Because I didn't have enough left in me to keep going.

I think I have told you that before?

Grant has matured. Whether it was having to have a severe break from us, or they did something or he just grew up because it was almost 2 years...he did. He grew into a pre-teen.

Maybe I don't give ECT enough credit? We took a break for a week and we learned that was a mistake. His SIBS were so intense, so often... that I was rummaging through the bin to get his arm restraints. I started questioning the decision to stop using them and was frustrated and scared as bruises formed on the top of his right hand. Was he going to break bones again?

So yes, ECT too. I think it helps somewhat. Not enough. But, it does something.

It's also his mood. Even when he is wailing away at his face, he no longer screams and cries all day. G used to be such a mess. Constantly upset. Not a lot of logic behind it. I saw it at the facility too. People privately shared how hard it was to hear him when he got set off. He couldn't stand the transition from one person to another. At some time out there it stopped. It's just hard to tell why. Did he finally realize that crying changed nothing? I don't know.

And lastly, Grant can be led through a variety of activities with highly trained people. There are a handful of people that can get Grant to explore toys, games and listen to chapter books. It's not me, if I am being honest. But, if you can get on the "right foot" with him, you can get him to be do some things.

It's obvious he is entering teenage years not only with his body changes, but also with his ability to sleep in without asking. There is calmness about him that is developing and most welcome. He is not nearly as "busy" as he was at one pt. He is bigger. He is stronger. I have secret worries about the future, but today we have a system and we are making our lil family of 3 work.