Halloween 2019
About a year ago I made a sudden decision with Scott to move into the Ronald McDonald House of Baltimore (RMH) and take a leave of absence from my job at school. I had only done this one other time and it was different. I was on bed rest for a month before Grant was born. That was hard for me, but for very different reasons. Plus, I was still in MN so I didn't have to frantically pack to be gone for 3 months (nor did I have clients with closings and listings!)
I am sure I had a million thoughts and feelings that month. Most of them around wondering if Grant was dying or if there would be long term effects from whatever was going on. There was another lesser feeling that I had to deal with...spending more time (and in particular) spending the holidays in Maryland rather than home.
And that is what I did. I spent private moments having an inner dialogue about the unfairness for all of us to have to spend Halloween, T-day, and xmas out of state for a 2nd year in a row. I let the anger build and then I let it go as it proved to not be a big deal. In fact, it ended up being exciting, unique, and interesting.
Grant and I hadn't celebrated some of these holidays together the year before. I was able to go trick or treating with him inside of the hospital. I was beyond touched that my decade old friendship with a friend online turned into a real life Thanksgiving date with her and her large family. Xmas was simply lovely with many exciting moments that don't come to close to anything that would have happened in MN, and my early New Years Eve night out with my autism parent friends was the best New Years we had had in over a decade.
I learned that when I have time to project how I think I will feel and get the angst out...it helps me when the "event/thing" happens. This proved to be very true when I was picked up on a very chilly Jan day by my parents at the Mpls airport.
It was similar. It was apprehension and it was worry. How was I going to walk into the house after 3 months with no one there to be there with me? I hadn't been alone in ages. The reality of spending another 3 months away from my spouse and now another 3 months away from both of them. This meant Scott and I were being forced into a 6 month separation for the good of Grant.
Of course, I did it. I walked through the door and it was quiet, but it wasn't the lonely empty sinking depression I was anticipating. I put my bags away, I went to bed. I went back to teaching the next morning. Walking back into the classroom with no prep time is what proved to be the challenge. Not being alone. Not being gone. None of things I imagined would upset me were hard. It was what I hadn't considered. Coming back to school because my teaching career wasn't a thing. They had a sub. They were fine. The kids gave me double takes that first week back and many made it clear I was missed. Ah, shucks. The joy of working in an elementary building!
This Halloween was magical. I dressed up because I bought a wig and didn't know if G would wear it. He had no interest in it or the fake glasses. I went with plan B. Ok, I will be Bob Ross (wig didn't fit Scott's head) and I threw together a quick landscape painting on a t-shirt so we can slide it over his coat. It was a chilly night as went house-to-house with our PCA/friend and grandpa Ted. We nearly went to every house in our subdivision and much to my surprise; he really doesn't care about the candy. He spent the next 2-3 days asking to go back out to the houses. Struggling to grasp why this can't be a new daily routine.
Halloween last year was the opposite. I didn't know what to expect that day. I didn't know if the nurse's who had the ultimate decision making would let him wander the halls of the facility. I noticed most children were dressed in costumes, yet some didn't go out despite that most kids had 2+ adults escorting them around. We left in a big group and somehow were sort of on a path with kids that resided in other parts of the hospital. I would privately think of them as the medical kids (whereas Grant was in a unit with behavior kids).
These children and teenagers were sitting in wheelchairs and had significant health issues. I noticed trach's, g-tubes, and other medical devices that I wasn't entirely sure the purpose outside of understanding they were helping this person survive. They appeared to be non-verbal and not well. The reality of their situation hit me hard. While I occasionally saw similar kids in the elevators and lobbies; I realized I never saw these kids at home. Never. Of course, I didn't. They were far too sick, too fragile to be in school, in public...let alone trick or treat. I privately wondered if some of these kids would ever do this again. I couldn't even tell if they were well enough to know what we were doing.
One of my oldest and closest friends recently passed away. She struggled with medical issues that made her uncomfortable and in pain. The biggest lesson she always taught me from the day I met her is that someone always has it worse than you. I remember this particular time she was in the hospital and she kept remarking on the people with horrible fire injury. She kept telling me that was worse. Well, this was my moment. "Erica, this is worse" Now don't get me wrong. I don't think we do this always to make ourselves feel better. I think that is how this sounds. It is sometimes needed to put your shit in perspective.
My self-pity of being pissed off that my child couldn't go trick or treating outside like peers his age lessened. I tried to replace that feeling with gratitude that Grant was alive, able bodied and healthy enough to do this little activity even though we were not allowed to go outside. I was grateful to be with him and grateful to have a job that allowed me this privilege to be gone from my job without being fired.
Halloween 2019 was even better. We were home together with friends and family. I celebrated by making a crockpot of chili and even baked brownies. I needed it to be special. I took the day off and focused all of my energy on the evening. It didn't matter that Grant didn't want to decorate the pumpkin and fell asleep on the floor before we went out (we have been fighting colds). We were together and had a great time seeing our neighbors. It had been over 2 years since this opportunity. I soaked it all in with love.
