This is for you: Getting Help

I use to subscribe to anything and everything autism related when Grant was a toddler. I became an "expert" to the best of my ability. I knew what I needed to do and stepped up to the challenge with 2 arms wide open. I met as many local moms as I could. I started a blog and a Facebook group to find more people. We did both private and public services. I did this partially because it is my comfort zone when life is hard.

Now that is 12, I don't pay attn to much of anything autism related now.

I just can't. It's the same thing over and over. I shut it down. I silenced the groups for months/years. I scroll by quickly on social media. I only comment now when I see something that needs to be addressed (a woman proclaiming she is at the end of the rope). I leave groups if they support murdering their child and/or themselves. This is toxic. And if we are being honest; it's toxic to be non-stop autism. You can't afford to burn out. Know your limits.

A big part of pulling back is hearing the pain. There is so much pain. I am fully aware I contribute to that dialogue. There are SO many people screaming for help in this country (world?). There is not enough. Everyone seems so helpless. They need financial help. They need people to care give. They need to know someone will step up when they pass away.

Or their are immediate issues like getting the child to eat or sleep. Learning (as a parent) how to help their child cope with stress, not be aggressive towards others or self-injure. You learn quickly that typical parenting strategies don't apply. Time outs? Nope. Yelling? No. Natural consequences? No...don't bother.

The online community is not necessarily helpful. One person tells you to try some non-proven method because it works for her child. And another tells you to ignore that. People play up each others worst fears and attempt to minimize them in one post. Or maybe worse yet you get no decent advice, leaving you feeling more confused before you took the risk to share in the first place.

There is no one resource for families. Dr's, no matter how well intended, can be apart of this confusing dialogue.

That being said...There is help. There is more to your problem solving than you and your partner. There is fiscal help. There are people that would be there for you if you could get yourself to tell them you needed them. You are NOT alone. You are not the first or last person to walk on a journey of more profound care giving, bankruptcy, spousal abuse, addiction issues, etc. It just is and will be apart of many peoples lives. Whether you are helping a young person and elder or even someone your own age. Shit happens. It will happen to you and those you love. If you are feeling like to end it all is the only way to exit the pain; I gently disagree and encourage you to reach out to anyone and open up. Not all people will know what to do. But, I urge you to keep trying.

I have heard so many excuses over the years. I have my own. Move if you need to. Leave him if you have to. Call the county or a therapist. Tell your dr, tell your neighbor. People care. This will be a marathon if you are new to a diagnosis or disease. What can you do to carve time out out for you? No, not retail therapy, wine time, sex with strangers. What are healthy steps you can take? What can you do to calm down the storm? Make a change. You never know? It could be better than the shit storm you feel yourself into today.

We don't teach coping skills like this in school. It is hard for many of us to find healthy ways to let stress and pain roll over us rather than consume us. I have told many mom's that working outside the home is a healthy coping strategy. Let your world be bigger. Community is important. You don't have to go to a church or religious org to find this, but maybe it would be nice?

I am not perfect. I don't write this in judgement. I have been very touched by people that have shared that they believe I handle up's and downs with grace. I try. I really do, but I don't always and haven't figured it all out, but I also thought I would answer a common question. How do you handle the stress?

- Writing: You don't have to write publicly. Don't underestimate the power of writing your thoughts down somewhere. It is not far removed from talking to a therapist or a friend.

- Watch tv: Yes, zone out. Play some stupid game on your phone. Find a way to disconnect without getting high. The voice in your head is not always helpful. Sometimes we can't sleep when we are highly stressed. Find something that helps you stop thinking about your worries.

- Sleep: Sleep the right amount and set an alarm. Don't sleep your life away. Get up if you can't sleep and do something that helps you get back to sleep.

- Eat: Same as above. Do it. Don't do it too much. Indulge if you need to give yourself some love without gaining too much weight. Being crabby because you are starving is not helping anyone.

- Community: Where are your people? They might not be the people you would predict. Sometimes the people that will love you when you need it the most are strangers. They might be people that have a similar story. Try not to be upset that the person or people you thought would "get it" don't. They just don't. Let it go. You can't help that person have a life experience they have never had. Yes, people can make wounds deeper. They can also lift you up. Focus on who is lightening your load and let the rest go if you can.

- Keep busy: Withdrawing from others because you don't want to talk about it will be a necessity at times. You can be around people and tell them plainly you don't want to talk about the thing that bothers you. Find the people that you can tell your deepest worries to, but try hard to not start dropping people that you care about. You never know who is going to be your ray of sunshine for the day. Working can be respite. Have a schedule. If you can't work for some reason, then volunteer. Have purpose outside of your home.

- Lastly and this is important...care less. That sounded weird. Go numb. Whatever is happening...let it flow over and around you. Try not to absorb it so deeply or obsessively. Focus on what you can control and do everything you can to let the rest of it go. Most likely you are not a dr or a researcher to "fix it". We have to accept as humans that not everything in life is in our control. I have had some horribly scary days. Mind rolls around to the "what ifs" and the "I can't believe this is happening", but apart of life is understanding that "why you?" because "why not?". You are alive. You will have a beautiful days and moments. There will be seasons of joy and ease and other chapters will suck. Why you? Because why not you? At least that is what I tell myself.