Reflecting on May part 2

SYMPATHY VS EMPATHY

I feel like I am forever confusing these verbally, but trust me...you can feel the difference when you are the receiver.

Sympathy is when you try to understand someone through your own experiences, biases, and assumptions. In other words, you understand how you would feel if you were in a similar situation. That process is a prescription for misunderstanding. Empathy is when you understand the other person’s unique perceptions and feelings about their particular situation. That requires skillful questioning and careful listening.

When someone has experienced something tragic, life changing; it is time to "up" our social skills and communication. It is important to think about what we are saying before we speak and it's ok to be quiet. It is ok to say things like the following:

I am here for you.

What can I do to help?

I don't recommend telling or assuming you understand how someone feels if you have never been in that situation. This is called sympathy. It can be painful. It's triggering.

I have had situations where someone wants to talk to me (and I am not sure why) and I have been approached (more than once) to be told about someone's brothers-neighbors kid with autism. This is baffling. However, I respond with "how is he doing?" because in my mind...I don't why you crossed a fast-food restaurant to tell me you know of someone that has autism. They don't know what to say at that pt because they don't know the answer. But, I also don't feel compelled to talk about my son in front of him like he can't hear us. So I quip something and try not to be annoyed that a stranger wants to discuss my son's autism story.

I have also had situations more recently that make me go mute. "You must be so happy that Grant is home!" That is a comment. That is assumption (In your mind a safe one).

I am not writing this to hurt anyone's feelings. If you said this to me (you were not the only one) and it was hard for me because I didn't know what to say.

The first part of May was really, really hard. I think whether it was through husband or Grant's view pt (or mine)...it was hard. And yes, we are/were happy he came home (and he was very happy to be home from what I have gathered), but on the lowest of chances you ever meet another parent that had to utilize a treatment center...these are most likely not the right words to say. Because like the video below illustrates; they were looking down in my hole and decided how to guess at how they would feel if they were me and I didn't expect these comments.

What kind of monster of a mother isn't happy her child is home? Why am I choking up in this moment? I reflect. My mind races. I am feeling anxious. I know damn well this person does not want a TED talk response. This person is not ready for my tears. This person does not want to hear more than "YES!".

The truth is my answer is deep, complex. Clouded in a PTSD, layered in pain and years of struggle. Yes, yes - Grant is home! What other response is appropriate? But, that is the problem...nothing else is. So I go mute. I push back my speechless state and try to find something appropriate to say. Because I am seeking empathy not sympathy in this tiny moment.

We walk on eggshells with those that we care about. We can't act like voyeurs. We need to act like passengers. Be along side someone that has lost a loved one, has recently been diagnosed with a disorder or disease. And....yes, someone that has to choose a long term treatment center where the family is pulled apart. You are going to tread lightly without assumption. You do not need to be expert or go through it yourself to show empathy.

What else could you say to someone like me?

Say:

I have been thinking about you.

I have been wondering how you and your spouse are adjusting back to your new chapter?

How is X doing at school?

Do you need anything?

Yes, my PSA today is don't assume what someone else feels.

With time, I (just like most people) are appreciative of concern and of comment. If you are willing to make a meal. Then do it without hesitation. If you are willing to be a shoulder, than be a shoulder and don't find an excuse to not show up. If you think that what you are willing to do doesn't matter; you are probably wrong. Every single person could be flaking on that family in that moment. Don't estimate the power you possess if you have the time and energy for someone else. It matters to someone that might need a friend. You have no idea who is NOT showing up for that person.