One year and seven months later...

...I brought my son home from Maryland.

May 1, Scott and I took the last trip to Baltimore.

I have lost count of the plane trips to and from Mpls. I have grown to love my home away from home... the Ronald McDonald House. I love the people that help us take care of Grant at the facility. They are my people whether they know it or not. I don't want to say good-bye. I know our paths must depart.

However, I want him to come home more than I can express.

May 2, we checked him out. We got some info from the nurse. It was a crazy day. I helped pack all of his toys and took the RMH shuttle back to the RMH house. We hung out there until evening. Our plane didn't leave until 9 pm. He did great. We took a commercial flight home. No more screaming and crying. He handled wearing the headphones just fine so we didn't get any dirty looks. We did get some smiles. He thought it was great fun. We got home around midnight and by 1 am we crawled in bed. Scott took the shift. He was whipped. Not much sleep happened.

May 3, we met with the county social worker and we meet our MN ECT dr for the first time face-to-face. It was a long day. We were very tired.

May 4-5, we have our first weekend together in our home since Oct 2017. My parents came to visit. Scott's parents came to visit. We sort of unpacked. I had work to do.

May 6, we see 2 child pyschs so we can con't ECT in MN. My dad comes with me. It's busy. No idea how to do feeding protocol in public. I saved my lunch from getting tossed across the restaurant. He does eat.

May 7, tour the new school. He begins some assessments (in our home).

May 8, our ECT meeting is not happening. I have already taken the day off. Rifton chair is delivered, assessments continue. At one pt, he stripped naked, aggressed towards me and was generally not willing to do anything. it is a very hard day. I had 3 family members here with no training to be able to give because his behavior is high. I was in front of the assessor and I broke down in a short crying spell. I was lost. No one told me how to handle my now much larger child in this way. G is now my size. I am only 5'4 and he is almost 5 feet tall. He is 85 pounds and he feels nearly as strong as me. The assessor insists I seek more staff.

He is right. I am not mentally or physically prepared to be alone at this time or maybe ever. This is upsetting. I am tired, overwhelmed. My schedule I am sharing is not addressing how much real estate stuff is going on. It is a good problem to have! It's just a lot for one person. Emails, phone calls. It's spring time in real estate. It's not slow.

May 9, he has his first ECT appt in MN.

He will do this weekly until Sept or longer.

On May 10, he starts his first day of school in his new school. Train new staff. His behavior after school is radically better than the day before. It's night and day. I am grateful. ECT helped.

May 11, (today) I turn 41. It's our 2nd weekend home. Hopefully it will be a less busy one from the one before. This week was so insane that every day I could only focus on the moment and plan for the next one. School won't take him FT which is forcing Scott and I into an uncomfortable passing him back and forth. We are in pure survival mode. I have been sick with a cold since May 1 and have been uncomfortable in my own body as I fight off the virus. My lympf nodes swollen. No one can see my symptoms. I am just uncomfortable and under slept. I know this damn thing came on because of stress. I have never worked harder or had more pressure than this week. The closest way I can describe this is like the week I brought G home from the hospital when he was first born.

All of those similar feelings are how I have felt. Exciting, but nervous. We have history. The rational side says that this is the past, let it be the past. The less rational side is worried about the house, being attacked, and spending the rest of my life holding Grant in holds to protect him from himself.

Yes, I have been over extended and there is nothing we can do. We knew he was going to have weekly dr appts. We didn't know school wouldn't take him FT and didn't have enough time to make this work well. I am out of sick and personal days this upcoming Thurs. If I take anymore; I will have to start paying the school district on my daily insurance. I can't afford this. And walking away from teaching to be home for a few hours is out of the question. 4 more weeks. We will somehow figure it out.

I am not sure I will ever be the facilities biggest cheerleader. However, letting us try and have success with ECT... we will forever be grateful. I am hopeful that this will be our answer forever or a very long time. I will always be humbly reminded of all the families that can't say the same and are in pure crisis. I know very well, it could be us at any moment.

The day G and I were home together was not just hard; it was the realization that (probably) without ECT this is a dramatic and HUGE treatment that is not optional. The day before ECT and the day after were dramatically different. On Friday (yesterday), I got him off the bus and we played toys and ate food with no issues. It was amazing.

I was so relieved to come to the realization that ECT is the answer and he wasn't just testing me. I learned 8 days was one day too long. They warned me; the positive effects will wear off as the week goes on. That they did. Day 8 was really bad.

Anyway, We will find a way to get through this month. I know it won't be like this when school lets out. We are delighted our son is home and I am not so much complaining about the crappy school schedule...as I am more trying to explain why it's hard for the month of May.

The Dr appts will go back to a normal schedule. We won't need to meet so many people and never again will we need to meet them all at once.

If I am being honest, I will miss my independent days. I am sure Scott privately will too. This is an intense schedule. We continue to look for good staff so we can be successful as days turn to months and then years. Until then, we celebrate G's return home. As far as I can tell, he is happy to be home too. All of these details will be distant memories as time goes on. Next week will hopefully be easier now that the traveling and (most) of the dr appts are behind us. Please keep the positive thoughts coming our way as we figure out our new lifestyle together.