Coming home without Grant

Scott is coming home. This rolls over me. The sinking feeling of G being alone in Maryland again hits me various times throughout the day. Tears roll down my face. I wipe them off. He's fine I tell myself. He's fine. And the same voice says, "But you said!"

I know, sweet Jesus, how on Earth did we get back to this place? No sick days are left for either of us. We tried so hard, but we could not do what we needed to in 6 months. I can't believe he's coming home without him. Disappointed. Yes, that is the word.

May. It's supposed to be May now. You have heard this story before. If he gets another cold or flu; everything will come to a stop and then it could be June. I am hopeful. Grant will be home in May.

If ECT stops working or is not effective enough; he will be home before May and we will fly out there to bring him home. If this happens then the last year was an experiment in ECT that didn't work out. This is not our hopes. We need something to work. His SIBS have been reduced from hundreds to 25 per hour. Not as good as last summer (10-12), but it's better than the alternative.

25 per hour? There is a lot of opportunity for broken bones, this is a lot of holding him down, this is a lot. My heart hurts. It's better. I remind myself of this when I let myself dream of the future. It's still a lot to take in.

Grandparents - Thank goodness for retired parents. They have the luxury of time, not asking for permission. Both of our parents are discussing taking over for us. Gratitude. Deep, deep grateful feelings of love and being protected cover me like a thick blanket. it will be ok. They will be there instead. It's ok. It doesn't always have to be Scott and me.

Strength - friends, I am not strong. I am not weak. I am just a person. I wake up and I deal with whatever feelings I have. But, I go to work. I visit with new and old friends. I act as "normal" as I am so I am living the best life I can no matter how much chaos is going on behind closed doors. And many of you have shared the same stories with me. So many people in this world experiencing abuse, lost in their roles as parents, financial crisis, serious life threating and impacting disease that rock their families to the core. You are never ever alone. There is someone right now that can relate to you even if you haven't met them yet. You are not strong. You are not weak. You deal with the moment and the moment will pass.

Much love from my family to yours - Erica