August 2018 Update

The August teacher feelings are really started to creep around the edges of mind. One perpetual Sunday feeling sets in. Don't roll your eyes. It's real. It's different this year for me. One more week to rehab homes and focus on real estate full time. One week of travel to see Grant (with my mom). One week of workshops. Labor Day weekend. School starts. And then like a punch to the stomach; the realization that not only did Grant miss all of his 4th grade year in Minnesota, but he is not going to start 5th grade here.

If I step back, I realize getting all emotional about this is minor compared to some other facts. I believe Grant is getting a port put in his chest surgically this week or next. Grant continues to get ECT. Grant has been taken off most of his meds as he has started to have serious negative responses to the meds that were helping no more than a few weeks ago.

There are a lot of feelings people. A lot of feelings. It's been a very hard week to learn that his meds were causing so many issues I don't want to type them up. Let's just keep it simple. Not good. I could throw up just considering the idea of long term effects like Parkinson's and Dystonia. Hope is a small way of telling you this better not be his story. When I saw him in July, my heart sunk. He did not look well. A lot of excuses for why he had lost his childhood spirit, was spaced out, slowly moving and non-stop drooling.

Grant is now scheduled to come home at the end of Sept. Grant left on Oct 12, 2017. He will have been gone for a year.

When he comes home, he will need ongoing treatment that I have still yet to discover how it will impact each of our lives. Can we find people to help us so it doesn't have to impact our careers? Unsure.

I am sick and tired of speaking to Grant through thoughts in my mind. I am tired of feeling like my child will never come home and that I have lost him like a death.

I am not ready for school to start for various reasons.

I don't know how to acclimate him or myself to the radical change that should be coming soon. It is the opportunity to start all over in theory. Was this respite a chance to bring calm to our home? Now that his catatonia is "under control" will the items in my home be less vulnerable? Will I not have to deal with aggression in the future? Can he sleep alone? How on earth do I cook for all of us? Can I drive with him without the help of another adult?

G continues to respond favorably to ECT. His worst days he was attempting to hit himself 500 times per hour. On his best days, he is at 1 per hour. On average, he attempts about 10-12 times per hour. He has met the criteria for discharge and the only reason he is not home is because the ECT is a process. He must and should do acute treatment under their supervision in a hospital setting and then S and I become responsible for maintenance (assuming it continues to go well), will be the rest of his life approx 1x per weekly.

Please keep the Carlson's in your positive thoughts. I hope the next time I write I can tell you he is doing better, that we are not as worried about him and that we are purely looking forward to his return to Minnesota. Thank you for your genuine concerns and love. Thank you for those that take the time to make me feel less alone in this journey.