Time doesn't make it easier
I have been dragging my feet on posting. I don't want to blog at this time. I have tried a few times when I have thought of something to share. I stare at it. I can't share this with the world I tell myself and I save it.
I don't have anything to say because I am tired of being sad. I can't write because as much as it was helpful to share with you a year ago; it doesn't feel good to share anymore. I end up crying through whatever I try to share.
I am writing today because I know some of you are not on the Facebook machine. I understand this, but writing in sentences rather than novels can be easier. But, even that is not happening as much anymore and I am not sure what you will see from me moving forward.
I don't want to write because I want to extend an impression that everything is ok. I don't want to reveal the truth because I will be a puddle of tears. I want to be your next real estate agent. I want to be your friend. Your co-worker..your neighbor..your family member. I don't want you to feel badly for me. I want to be treated like everyone else.
I don't want you to ask me about him. It upsets me. You get uncomfortable with my tears. We go our separate ways. I feel weird. I don't really know how I have made someone else feel. I just know I don't like being told not to cry.
I don't want you not to ask about Grant. It makes me feel more alone than ever before. But, when you do, I can't do your questions right now. I just can't. I guess it comes down to timing. If you ask me, it's a serious question. It is not a 30 second answer. It is not a "fine" and we move on. You will provoke this mama-bear in the most serious way. I am ok with your questions IF you are ok with my response.
So putting all of this aside, I am going to give you the update because I haven't forgotten your love, your financial support and your emotional support.
This is hard. Harder than words can express. How do I tell you how much I miss him? I am speechless. I can't breath when I walk away from the hospital each time. Elevator down. Go to lobby. Contact an Uber. Get on plane. Hot tears stream down my cheeks. Regret maybe. Is this worth any of this? I have no idea. I have no idea.
Tears. Tears when i see him. Tears when I see how hard his life is. Tears watching him scream, cry and refuse food. Tears as I watch him gag and throw up every bite he just ate. I am so helpless to whatever the fuck this is.
Resentment. Helmets he doesn't want to take off. Arm restraints he calls his towels and then he panics every time they are off. He still hits himself even with arms positioned straight. I approach him on Saturday morning. He's on a couch. A mat behind his helmeted-head. The man (that is in charge of him) just watches him as he pounds his head against his knees. He bounces his body of the mat, the couch. He is beyond dis-regulated. He is a mess. He doesn't calm initially. But, eventually I get him between my legs and run my fingers over his arms (where I can feel his skin). Dad rubs his feet. We speak to him quietly. He calms. He is my calm son again. He tells us he wants to go home. He tells me for our entire visit. Take me home he says in his own words. He is done with this place and I understand completely.
I need to let this experiment continue. I need to see if this an extended extinction burst. I need to know if they can figure out how to help him. I can't take him home yet. We are at the 4 month mark and he has not made it to treatment yet. Meds are being trialed. Strategies are being implemented. You can't come home with us yet sweet boy. We will visit as much as we can.
And just as usual, this is getting a bit long. And there is no clean way for me to conclude my ramblings, but I will try... I am enjoying this kid-free time despite what I wrote above. I am lost on some important decisions for our family. Like what career best supports Grant and where should we send him to school. I wonder when we will actually be bringing home. I have a lot of thoughts on how we will do this successfully and exactly how much of "me" do I have to change for him? What is reasonable? What is a deal breaker? What is plan B? Plan C? Please don't tell me not to worry. This is not the time for that. This is exactly the time for all of this because I have the time to do now.
