An empty house - Nov Update

I haven't been writing because reflecting on this experience while going through it is not what I needed.

I can't speak for Scott. I can only speak for myself and this is generally rather horrible. It has been nothing but grief since the day we dropped him off. The pain recycles itself every time we visit or we have a phone call. It is easier to dig head deeply into projects and try hard to not think about why we got here and why he has to do this.

I spend a lot of time telling myself he has not passed away and he will come home. If that scares me because the hard work ahead is equally anxiety provoking. I have nothing but gratitude that we get a 2nd chance. I try to not think about the "what if's".

Facebook memories are harder than ever. Sometimes images of a sweet toddler cross my screen. The video of Grant learning to talk or walk. My chest tightens. Tears form easily. Those easier parenting days are already about a decade old. It has never been particularly easy. But, then there it is. It was. At one pt, it was.

So.... looking forward, there are good things already happening. The arm restraints alone are saving his poor chin and his knuckles are healing. Now his hair has grown an unruly mat of lazy brown curls that I will have to tackle upon my next visit. He is eating again. It was last reported that he is up to 700-800 calories a day! His g-tube feedings now are only while he sleeps and I think he will be off of it all together in the near future. He gets feeding therapy 3 times a day which is exactly what he needed. I knew he would do it with the right people, in the right setting. Happy doesn't define how I feel about this progress. Gratitude. It's graitude. And it's hope. There is finally hope after all of this time.

I will feel a lot of different feelings. This does not end. This in some ways is harder because there are equal weights of blessings and fears. There is trauma here. Dropping one's child off at hospital does not change anything. Just lack of control. Missing him like crazy. And being shown a life without children is nice and pretty weird all in one.

We have now celebrated 2 holidays without him. He has lost his county money. He is being taken off of services we have had since he was 2 or 3.

Having Grant on the other side of the country really does not change things in some ways. In other ways, the house felt cold. Nobody upstairs sleeping at night. No one to give a bath to or do a feeding. No crying or fussing. No laughing, no cuddles either. My house went back to the way it was before Grant's behaviors escalated. Lamps and dust collectors returned to tables and shelves. I attempted to make time to see some friends. Our real estate business is immensely time consuming and things around my own home have not been the priority I would prefer.

Grant was admitted on Oct 12 and luckily in these weeks I have been able to change my mindset from grief to an ability to see clearly that he will come home. I can stop saying good-bye. This is all much easier said than done.