We wait for help and other sensitive topics
If I told you I was disappointed and losing my patience with Grant's future admittance that would be an understatement. Any time there are major changes, Grant's SIBS sky rocket. Scott had to go out out town this week and school started 2 weeks ago. SIB rates are unbelievably high and his punching his very intense. His chin is returning to purple and there is a little dent forming. A scab is beginning to form. He has a large bump on his head from hitting and he has done something to his foot because half of his foot is purple. I feel so bad for him. We can't let go of him. I mean literally, you can't let go. He is out of control and going back to gloves and a helmet are around the corner. No one can hold constantly and he is becoming a real threat to himself.
I can't find and haven't tried immensely hard to find after school help. I have found 1 person to do Wednesdays and I don't mean to take away from her help, but daily help would be ideal. The reason I haven't tried the way I should is because I keep thinking he is going to leave. I don't want to hire someone and then turn around and tell them he is going to go. Training takes about 6 hours ideally. I don't think that is easy to do now that I am working full time.
School is full effect. I balance it carefully with my 2nd career as a realtor. Without more help, it is a part, part time job. When I was asked to create goals for myself; I tried to not roll around laughing. What kind of goals can I make with hardly any childcare? After talking to many friends, we are all in the same situation. There is a high level of need for excellent help. If you are looking for a part time job; there are families like ours everywhere in the world. I can guarantee that. Most give up looking and take the full load on themselves. And then we put ourselves in a slow burnout.
So I review what KKI last said to me. They called in late May and said he was next. That he would come out between then (May 31) up to 6 months out. It is September now. I hope that this was accurate info because it will be hard to imagine we have gone this long without real help. I would like to get him out there before the snow. It just seems easier. His poor knuckles, the side of his head, his chin and all of the adults need this. Medical marijuana is not putting a dent in improving his SIBS. Antipyschs are not helping him. We are not finding answers on our own. This summer was good for SIBS, but life cannot be mom and Grant going to Target to dump pop down the sink. I hope. I hope they call soon.
I am going to change directions now and discuss something that is hard and real. I don't pretend to know who is reading this and I am going to take advantage of this platform for a minute. I remember the day someone brought up group homes to me. Grant was about 3 at the time. His future was not clear to me (and should have not been clear to them). I didn't let the person know, but I wanted to throw up that day. He was a handful, but predicting the future is not something I think humans are good at and being told casually that I would be lucky if he was in a group home was way, way out of left field and not taken internally by me in stride. And that is how this story continues to play out. Someone brings it up thinking they are being helpful and you will not know, but you have deeply upset me. I can be very, very good at hiding my real emotions especially if you have said something that hurts.
I have had more people as of lately bring this topic up and I only know one thing. If I don't bring it up; you shouldn't. I know your intention. You think we are burned out.I assure you we know our options (there are few). And the truth is; unless you are deeply familiar with the process of putting a child in foster home/group home for the intellectually disabled than it would be kind of you to not tell me to let him go and visit him on weekends is my best option today.
I deeply respect every single person that has choose this for their child. This topic is not to make anyone feel anything about their personal decisions. We are not talking about other people, but us. The Carlson's will make their own decisions with the professionals that know what this means. What you think would be your breaking point, might not be ours. Scott and I don't and can't agree on everything, but one thing we would like is this to be a conversation between the 2 of us. We are not saying that this is not going to happen at some point. I am sad to say is a full blown reality that I am fully and 100% aware is looming over our small family. And we can't win. If we ever choose this; we know there will be many people that understand. If we don't choose it, we will also be equally judged.
If you are curious, our intentions are still the same. We are trying meds. We are going to try KKI. We might send him back to ABA therapy. We might try ECT. We might have other options we haven't yet considered. But, researching group homes for a child is not at the top of our list. Not yet. Not now. There is no crystal ball. One day at a time.
