Another challenging April (and it has nothing to do with awareness month)

I try to imagine a day with no self-injury. It's easy to imagine, but seems so hard for Grant. He doesn't want to wear his gloves as much and he never wants to wear his helmet. This makes sense. The days have grown warmer. It reminds me of days where he would wear his hat or headphones (or both) daily. Then one day, he wouldn't. It wasn't something we had to work on.

But, self injury. Oh boy. This has been apart of our days for years now. This is not a phase that quits.

The last 4-5 weeks have been hard. I had started writing a post about how his meds were working. Now I probably won't post it because I have no idea if they are working or not. There are so many reasons the meds may or may not be helping. We have had 2 unique weeks that might be the reason things have been harder, but then again...maybe not.

Spring break. Eek. Spring break makes me fear for summer break. Scott struggled daily with him to keep him happy. When I tell you days have been hard; I mean, he wakes up content, but by 10 am he cries the rest of the day. He cries, screams, and punches himself until about 6 pm. This is what I mean by hard. Sometimes it eases up into the evening. Imagine for just a moment spending day after day with someone who cries, screams and punches themselves all day long. Worse yet, imagine what it feels like to be him. He is trying to communicate with us and we don't know what to do.

I have fallen into a deep funk internally again. I cry everyday. I feel helpless. I don't know how to help him anymore. A stare a big bruise on his knee, the ones lining his arms. I notice a large, but quiet bruise above his temple where he is consistently hits. I don't know what to do.

It's April. It marks a year since his severe eating disorder became a real issue. I stare at the calendar. It's still not his turn to go to KKI. At this point, I hope it's over the summer so it's easier logistically. But, in my heart I am ready for him to go tomorrow if that means they can help him.

There is no one to call. There is no center in Minnesota for this. I don't see the point in crying for him anymore, but then those damn tears come regardless.

I am not telling you anything new. This is basically how it's been for a long time now. Sometimes I run into someone and I remember a time when it wasn't as hard. But, it probably was in just a different way if I thought about it more.

I don't really mean to be so sad about and for Grant. There are some things that are nice. A moment here or there that makes me smile. I post those moments on my Facebook page to share with all of you.

I am blessed that Grant was moved to a new school with a loving and kind group of women that make me constantly feel Grant is a blessing to their days and their program. Grant is lucky we have found them. The videos and pictures I get on a near daily basis shows a boy that is being stretched and is having a bit of fun. He now requests to see his SeeSaw App account when he says "school". We look at pictures of field trips, art projects and him singing and dancing at school. Grant has really made some progress since fall in a variety of ways. I am so glad I can share this.

Hoping this is a phase. Hoping next month will be better. One day at time.