This blog. Blogging.

I have blogged (wrote) before publicly and felt I needed to stop. I think I was worried about who might see my words because it's my truth and it doesn't necessarily make it valid or correct. I've read the words from autistic adults that have felt abused and mistreated by therapy programs intending to help. I have read the pain about being “normalized” from these programs. I have also read about how parents are not the victims (of people with autism) and this made me deeply uncomfortable. I never wanted to think that one day Grant would see my words and hold them against me or use them to show the world that Mom didn't love and mom didn't care or even mom doesn’t get me.

Because, at the end of the day, the only message I want Grant to understand is that I love him unconditionally. I have discovered what that means through being his mother. I thought I knew before him what love is, but now I am not so sure.

When Grant hits me, pull my hair, kicks me, takes his head and rams it into my face so hard that I think he's knocked out my tooth or broke my nose... well, I don't know what's going through his head. I don't know and maybe never will understand his motivations. All I know is that no matter how hard he tries to hurt me; I do get angry, sad, and then turn around and love him the same that I loved him the minute before it all happened. I didn't know this type of love existed. I feel sick at times, it feels wrong to be treated this way by a child (well, by anyone), but I love him so damn much despite his inability to control himself.

So… if Grant ever reads this. If he ever feels misused or misunderstood or anything that makes him feel like shit; then I hope he knows only one thing about me. Which is I can't love him more then this intense, unconditional feeling that lives inside of me. But I also know I'm not unbreakable. I need more than what I'm getting now for him and for us as a family. I need the help of an extreme expert now. I don't pray, but if I did, I would say I need it to be his turn now (at KKI). He needed his turn yesterday. I need it to be his turn.

In the recent past, I have attempted to share a normal day with you. I have been long winded and detailed. You probably found it sad and heartbreaking. You might not like what I write. I will do this for so if you know me in real life; so you really understand. And then I will do it for him. Because maybe one day he will read my words and know that no matter what, it is and always will be about the deep and profound love I feel and always will be there for him.