Self Injury - Breaking bones

We were at urgent care for about 4 hours tonight. Just got home actually. My mind has been in a lot of places, but allowing myself to consider that Grant had broken his own hand from SIBS had not really sunk in until I was staring at the x-rays. I don't know why I had not more deeply considered this as I considered all of the options of a swollen body part. It's just when I get any tests or x-rays they never find a reason for my pains. Sadly and pathetically, the answer is typically "caregiver stress". So I guess my husband and I had just come to the conclusion he was swollen from the hitting. Ice, OTC meds, and go home. Guess not.

Waves of thoughts crossed my head as I stared at the x rays in the dr office and I reflected back on the notes I keep for his behaviorist, insurance and Kennedy Krieger since Saturday.

Nov 12 - Meds adjusted up slightly this morning. From 1.25 to 2.25 (zyprexa)

He has an OK day. 2 major issues. 1 - Looking for a lot of negative attn by throwing ipad off of 2nd balcony and/or throw in general. 2 - A LOT of self punching. His chin is healing as he chooses the side of his head. He is hitting very hard at times. Being w/out helmet is not a choice.I feel he has replaced his attacks on me to himself. Some loud screaming. We get him out of the house. He will go in restaurant, but not grocery store despite reinforcement promised. He won't wear shoes.Scott expresses that waiting for me was a bit torturous (they stay in the car while I shop).

By 6 pm he is unfolding. Tearful, highly self injurious, we assume he is tired from the up in meds. It still takes maybe an hour to get him to sleep. We skip his last feeding because he is so out of sorts, but give him PM meds to help him sleep. He has been sleeping since about 6:30 pm (over 12 hours now).

Nov 13 -

Grant wakes up late again. He is very moody. He cries for over 20 mins for no obvious reason.

Happens again. He cries if Scott leaves the room. Scott spends all of Sunday with Grant because any time he leave his side he breaks down in tears. We get worried, but we decide the meds are just making him really emotional.

Nov 14 -

Grant's face is healing (chin area), but a new bruise is growing in size by his eye. I think he has just moved his target area.

His PCA does ok with him. School says he's ok today. We don't see the extreme emotional-ness, but on the other hand we are really only with him from 5-7.

Giving him hydrocortisone and zyprexa to increase his appetite is not really helping. I am not sure that it is doing anything more than helping him sleep really well. I also don't believe either of these drugs are helping SIBS or aggression. But, I know our pysch has a long term goal by having him on zyprexa first. I'll call her tomorrow with an update.

Last night he woke around 10:30 pm crying. I assume he had a bad dream. It was really hard to get him back down. I am watching his one hand. He was holding it weird while crying and didn't want it touched. He had side effects from risperdal a few years ago and with this up'ing of zyprexa I am worried about the side effects that cause dystonia. I am not trading one nightmare for another.

Here I kept looking at this stupid, little med change. Trying so hard to figure out his emotions, his hand thing...but I was looking in the wrong place. Even the psych decided to put him back on prozac yesterday. But, right there. Nov 12. He must've broken his hand around 6 pm. It took until, Nov 16 for the swelling to become significant enough for anyone to notice. Remember he wears these mickey mouse gloves nearly 24/7. It's amazing his teacher even noticed this!

So much guilt as we drove away from the UC tonite. It took over as I wept the same tears I have wept before. All of the feelings hitting me at once. The new awareness that it took 4 days to realize he had a broken bone. Gawd, all he has is crying as his form of true communication of pain. CRYING? This is SO not fair for any of us.

I wipe tears away.

More importantly, and more concerning - guilt, layer 2: Grant has now started self-injuring to the pt of broken bones. Let's let that one soak in for a moment because I did. And I hated his autism so very much in that moment. G-tube, bruised and bloody face, helmet wearing, glove wearing....now broken bones. Screw you, autism.

And finally, the eating issue.

Grant basically starved himself for 4 months. He lived on the most limited calories that a human could survive on and that comes with a very serious cost. No one is talking to me about it because well, they just haven't and I guess I haven't asked directly. But, I don't need to ask. I read like crazy. Anorexia can and does cause long term damage. While I am no doctor; I am also not underestimating that this break tonite could be credited to his eating disorder.

Because it's past my lil bedtime and this has been a very long day. I am going to stop here tonite. I will tell you I am ok, my friends. Don't worry about me. I am venting. I am angry and I feel for Grant obviously because he is my only son. I want his life to be a shit lot easier than this. I still have hope that he will get to KKI soon. I do have hope they will help us tame his SIBS down or even help us stop them all together. And Grant, well, he is hitting with his other hand. He is tolerating the current ACE bandage as we decided a silicone cast thingy wasn't a good idea for him to hit his head against. We will be seeing a specialist to help us with the next steps. I'll keep you posted.